a day in the life

Alright.  So 2020 is really off to a strange start.  And it’s May soon?  Good thing JT is always around to remind us of that #nsync.

I want to start off by recognizing something I read in a post the other day: we are in the same storm, but not in the same boat.  To me, that means we are all experiencing this thing in a different way, but that we ARE all experiencing it.  We ALL feel something, and we are ALL processing.  Our experiences may be vastly different, but we are all human and we all have feelings – I am seeing a lot of shaming on social media around this.

It has been a lot of up and down in our household.  Over a month ago there was a lot of panic around this thing as it was just amping up, so my sister, who is a life coach, and I decided to create an online support group to help with processing some of these things.  It included male and female participants, of any age, from a variety of places and backgrounds.  We held weekly Zoom sessions (I think everyone is on Zoom now…) to listen to and encourage each other, and to process together.

In our household… it’s been like riding waves.  Some days are good – we feel good, we do different things together as a family, we get outside, we exercise, we eat well.  Other days are less good – I can’t remember if I brushed my teeth, I’m impatient with the kids, I can’t find the energy to pull the laundry out of the washer.

A month ago I was frantically searching the ends of the internet about all things COVID.  It was getting out of hand, and it was not making me feel good.  It drained my energy, made me feel anxious, and discouraged me.  I limited my social media use, and only “allowed” myself to check the COVID news once per day (though currently I am finding even that is too much, but… achievable goals).

Then came the shame and the guilt.  I read posts by nurses and doctors and other front-line workers to gain perspective.  But all it did was make me feel shame and guilt for feeling anxious or “having a hard time”.  Because WHO AM I to feel that when I am not a doctor who is treating patients with this virus?  And WHO AM I to feel that when a nurse has had to quarantine herself from her baby and husband?  And WHO AM I to feel any negative feelings when we are currently safe and healthy?

I am trying to work through that guilt and remind myself: it is NOT business as usual.  It is OK to feel and process.

My kids are keeping me on a schedule, which is a positive thing.  My day is still relatively structured.  My partner, however, has been laid off for an undetermined amount of time, and is on a different schedule than we are because of that.

We haven’t seen our family.  We haven’t seen our friends.  It’s hard and it sucks and it hurts, but it’s what I feel I have to do for my family and for our community.  We leave the house to get groceries.  Otherwise.  We have been hanging out at home and trying to cope – mentally – the best we can.

I feel a lot of compassion for others.  Others who live alone, or who don’t have the option to “hoard” supplies, or who don’t have the option to stay home where it’s safe, or who don’t have the option to go into the forest, or anyone who is suffering in any way.  I feel, when I read these things, that I absorb some of that energy, because I feel like it is what I ‘have’ to do just to do SOMETHING.  Aren’t we all feeling a little helpless?  In this unknown abyss of crap?

I am grateful that we are currently safe and healthy, and I am especially grateful that my kids are safe and healthy.  I am grateful we have hardworking community members who make sure people are getting food and help.  I am grateful for neighbours helping neighbours.  I am grateful for some of our seeds sprouting.  I am grateful when I see “numbers go down”.  I am grateful when the sun shines, when my kids can see the tree buds burst, and when another day comes.

I wish you all well.  How are you coping?

Nadine

Even this post is not “business as usual”.

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